What to say, what to say?

So much has happened in so little time. How do you speak of things you daren't think of? My life has changed in a million small ways since my Grandfather's death. I won't speak of the wake or the funeral, as it's still fresh....a raw wound not quite scabbed over for any of us. Scooby looks for him often, as do we all.

Christmas was as...jolly as could be, all things considered. It's never been a very good time for our family, no matter how hard I try to inject enthusiasm into the season. How could it be? The 27th saw Grandma taken from us when I was a child, and ten years later the 28th saw Grandpa stolen away as well.

I...it's hard and I...

I'll write more tomorrow, when my thoughts make more sense, I guess.

So, this is just a bit of fun I was having earlier. First...a quiz to see what sort of accent I have, and what a co-inky-dink! I sound like I'm from the North!

If you're an alien, how come you sound like you're from the North?

Lots of planets have a North!

*snickers* So, does that mean I'm an alien, or a New Yorker? I suppose the answer's both, really. You can't be one without being the other, after all, New York City is a universe unto itself.

Which American accent do you have?Northern You have a Northern accent. That could either be the Chicago/Detroit/Cleveland/Buffalo accent (easily recognizable) or the Western New England accent that news networks go for.

Click Here to Take This Quiz Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

Second, my inner Goddess...

Artemis...huh? Well, if the shoe fits...I really am a lunatic!

A pale moon is shining, is shining so bright,
And lovers are strolling by my window tonight,
Their laughter so merry...brings heartaches and sighs,
To a prisoner who’s lonely for the moonlight and skies.

(I forget just where I've heard/read this, but it seems fitting enough.)

Which Greek Goddess Are You?You are like Artemis! You are like the Greek Goddess of the moon and the Hunt, Artemis

Click Here to Take This Quiz Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

Use the force, Luke.

Luke, I am your father.

I dunno what to think about this particular result...yay for being a good guy?

Your results:
You are Luke Skywalker

Luke Skywalker 72% Boba Fett 67% Han Solo 64% Princess Leia 63% Chewbacca 62% R2-D2 60% Obi-Wan Kenobi 59% Padme 59% Mace Windu 57% Darth Vader 55%

You value your friends and loved ones, but can sometimes act recklessly because of your emotions. Occasionally you resort to whining. You look ahead to great things for yourself.

(This list displays the top 10 results out of a possible 21 characters)


Click here to take the Star Wars Personality Test


My seduction style...*snorts*

So, my lovely muses, as everyone can probably guess...have decided to come home after taking a long and rather irritating vacation to Fiji. Unfortunately, while they are back, they're not exactly willing to work very hard. Maybe it's because they're lazy. Maybe it's because their writer is even more so. Personally, though, I think I'll just blame the airline for losing their luggage.

Anyway, seeing as how I'm pretty much completely uninspired...one poem in three months? I've decided to follow the wisdom of writers far greater than me and join 100 themes. So those of you waiting for full chapters on your chosen drabbles? They're coming once I get back into the swing of things, have no fear. For now, though...I've got 100 drabbles to write!

001.	Mellow	002.	Eternal	003.	Subtle	004.	Cheat	005.	Transparent
006.	Believeable	007.	Repeat	008.	Addicted	009.	Write	010.	Soulful
011.	Broken	012.	Stop Time	013.	Alcohol	014.	Pauses	015.	Affront
016.	Run	017.	Experience	018.	Fatality	019.	Helping Hand	020.	Breeze
021.	Get Up	022.	Villain	023.	Worst Day	024.	Bewitching	025.	Jubilant
026.	Languid	027.	Obsessive	028.	Recoil	029.	Vehement	030.	Collide
031.	On My Mind	032.	Mirror	033.	Kneel	034.	Locked	035.	Punch
036.	Tight	037.	Urban	038.	Health	039.	Older	040.	Vital
041.	Dawn	042.	Lust	043.	Memorial	044.	Pretend	045.	Zeal
046.	Disaster	047.	Blush	048.	Nimble	049.	Remain	050.	Snore
051.	Done	052.	Justice	053.	Weapon	054.	Tide	055.	Accent
056.	Indirect	057.	Haze	058.	Puzzle	059.	Try Again	060.	Reap
061.	Settle	062.	Treat	063.	Notice	064.	Least	065.	Exception
066.	Rule	067.	Correct	068.	Harm	069.	Strive	070.	Temperamental
071.	Divided	072.	Victory	073.	Delivery	074.	Ballad	075.	All I Ask
076.	Fire	077.	Lies	078.	Stormy	079.	Terrible	080.	Decay
081.	Dramatic	082.	Panic	083.	With You	084.	Killing	085.	Jump
086.	Waste	087.	Passion	088.	Flying	089.	Drought	090.	Sword
091.	Skill	092.	Dust	093.	Enchant	094.	Shadows	095.	Powerless
096.	Writer's Choice	097.	Writer's Choice	098.	Writer's Choice	099.	Writer's Choice	100.	Writer's Choice

My family's in a right state tonight due to a family friend whose health has taken a rather drastic turn for the worst. I'm not entirely sure how I feel, as this has been a long time coming. It doesn't really make it any easier, though. So, I'll sit and pray for the Goddess to do what is right by the universe, be it healing him or taking him home to the Summerland. I'm sure my Mother would be rather angry with me if she read that. "You should be praying for him to get better," she'd say. But better is relative, isn't it? His quality of life has been rather poor for some time, and he's been having a rough go of it long before that.

I always laugh when people say "Oh, you're looking so much better. Are you feeling better, sweetie?" Sometimes, the answer is yes. Yes, I'm feeling better. As a matter of fact, I almost feel human today. Can't you tell by the effort I made to get dressed and deal with the world and the damn people in it today? Maybe in about ten years I'll feel like my old self again. But I won't really, will I? Everything can change in ten years. It's highly likely I will, too. As it is, most days I don't even remember what it felt like to be well. I've never been healthy, not really. Asthma, semi-bad vision, and a piss poor immune system have long proved that. But I was as hale and hearty as I ever could be. These days, I don't remember what it was like to eat and not rush to the bathroom, to be able to play DDR or Guitar Hero without my joints protesting. I remember taking the stairs three at a time when I was younger. Now I clutch the rail and step as carefully as I can, trying to ward off the stupid dizzy spells that sometimes overtake me. I don't mind having to watch what I eat and take far too many pills, really I don't...I just wish there was a sign that they were actually working.

I've come a long way since I first got sick, but it feels like I've hit a plateau a while back and haven't made any progress since. And I won't lie to you, it's frustrating as hell. Kind of like when I look at my to do list and wonder if I'll be able to make it half way through before I'm too warn out to complete it. I mean, as it stands, I really need to do two loads of wash, and return those books to the library, and pick up a few odds and ends at the store, and really, Stewie's water isn't going to change itself, now is it? Merde, but my life is dull if this is all I have to look forward to. Maybe I could talk my Mom into taking me to the City and going to a museum. Doubt it, though. Hell, I'd settle for the Mall. Anything to get out of here before I go crazy. I never realized just how much I relied on talking to Natasha to keep me sane. How am I supposed to survive four years like this?

I'll muddle through, I suppose. I always do, in the end. In conclusion, when compared to Doomsday, my day really wasn't so bad, all in all. My life, however, could really use a makeover...

Jesus Chris, I can't believe how long it's been since I've had the time to sit still and just write for the sake of writing. Between vacation (Washington D.C., and than down the shore), my best friend's leaving the country to spend some time with her family and than for Boston to set up her dorm...we were cramming as much time together in as possible before she left. I'm already in Natasha withdrawal and she's gone less than a week...and I won't really be seeing her until the end of November. Guh. At least I'll be able to call her when she gets back at the end of the month. Until then, however, I'm actively babysitting a cute little turtle by the name of Stewie. Yes, Stewie of Family Guy fame. He used to have a best mate named Bryan, but alas, Bryan is six feet under as of some time ago.

The job hunt is not really going so great, but I remain optimistic...well, so long as I can keep the flare I feel coming at bay. I hear Party City is hiring, so I might see if I can get a lift down there at some point this week. Honestly, I wish there was something closer to home, but maybe this is a sign. I guess getting my GED should really take priority. Besides, what with my Mom trying to plan a vow renewal....20 years as of October 28th! Geez, how time flies when you're living with the only legal form of slavery left. Just kidding. Honestly, I think my parents are one of the only stable, happy couples I know. I won't go so far as to say sane, but they're still in love. That's got to count for something, right?

Shame that insanity is hereditary. I just hope that someday I'll find someone who will love me enough to be my ball and chain for twenty years...and than consent to do it all again! For now though, I'll have to sate myself on cold Sicilian pizza (my favorite!) and Sour Patch Kids...and root beer. Lots and lots of root beer. Can root beer get you drunk? I mean, it might explain my music taste lately...Plastic Bertrand's Ca Plane Pour Moi? Ian Dury and the Blockheads' Hit Me With Your Rhythym Stick? David Bowie's Star Man? Seriously, talk about odd taste. Maybe it's all the paint fumes from getting the house painted. I mean, of course, there's the obligatory Beatles songs stuck in my head...The Long and Winding Road, Yesterday, Hello,Goodbye, and In My Life. Than there's the Ramones....Gods, but I <3 the classics. Although my favorite new song of the week would have to be Kids In The Way's My Little Nightmare. Totally worth a listen, let me tell you.

Anyway, on to the actual point of this bloody entry. I ran across an entry in one of the fantastic Terri Oneioi's many listings that peaked my interest, so I figured I'd give it a try.

My Life; A Soundtrack

1. Opening Credits - About A Girl ~ Nirvana
2. Wake Up Scene - Welcome To The Jungle ~ Guns N' Roses
3. Driving Scene - On The Road Again ~ Willie Nelson
4. High School Flashback - Take Me Out ~ Franz Ferdinand
5. Nostalgic Scene - As Time Goes By ~ Julie London
6. Bitter/Angry Scene - Break Stuff ~ Limp Bizkit
7. Break Up Scene - If You See Him/If You See Her ~ Reba McEntire Feat. Brooks And Dunn
8. Regret Scene - In My Life ~ The Beatles
9. Nightclub/Bar Scene - Paralyzer ~ Finger Eleven
10. Action/Fight Scene - Walk ~ Pantera
11. Lawn Mowing Scene - Walk Like An Egyptian ~ The Bangles
12. Sad/Breakdown Scene - Wake Me Up When September Ends ~ Green Day
13. Death Scene - Toy Soldiers ~ Martika
14. Funeral Scene - Prelude 12/21 ~ AFI
15. Mellow/High Scene - Black, Black Heart ~ David Usher
16. Dream Sequence - Because The Night ~ 10,000 Maniacs
17. Sex Scene - Rock Candy ~ Montrose
18. Contemplation/Enlightenment Scene - If Tomorrow Never Comes ~ Ronan Keating
19. Chase Scene - Moondance ~ Nightwish
20. Happy Love Scene - Love You Madly ~ Cake
21. Happy Friend Scene - Girls Just Want To Have Fun ~ Cyndi Lauper
22. Closing Credits - Smells Like Teen Spirit ~ Nirvana

...99 bottles of beer. You take one down, pass it around, 98 bottles of beer on the wall. 98 bottles of beer on the wall, 98 bottles of beer...you take one down, pass it around...97 bottles of beer on the wall. Erm, right. So now that that's out of the way, (and my system) I guess it's time to get to the point of this little entry. In about three minutes, I will do a five minute free write, which in and of itself should be pretty interesting. Because my mind is truly a disturbing little place that shall leave you questioning my sanity, and yours for going there...oh well. To infinity and beyond! Hehehe. As if this wasn't enough of a ramble, I'm going to do one in two minutes. Make that a minute. I can't wait to start. C'mon, c'mon. Change already....I wanna start! Anyone else thing I really need to lay off the chocolate milk?

And it's begun! Wahoo! I'm doing this stupid exercise to try and get myself back into writing. Lately, I've been like an ADHD kid high on sugar past my bedtime, bouncing off walls, floors, ceilings, and doors chasing rainbow colored plot bunnies that never amount to much all over the house. Because you know, white rabbits are just too boring to go chasing after. I much prefer a maroon and purple bunny in a pair of tartan pants. Right, that imagery probably wasn't disturbing at all. Mmmhmm. Anyway, I've got about half a chapter of Bad Moon Rising done, but I'm reluctant to force more out at the mo', because that particular plot bunny has wedged itself into my shoe collection under the bed, and I can't tell the damn thing apart from my happy bunny slippers. I used to have Pikachu slippers when I was younger...damn, I absolutely loved those things. They were awesome. Pokemon these days sucks. Like all cartoons. Hell, tv in general these days suck. I'm such a fanfiction junkie as a result. If I hate the way a show ends? Yeah, fanfic time! But that's beside the point. I haven't heard from Natasha in a bit. I'm a little miffed about that. I mean, any time I call her she's always doing something...doesn't she miss me?

Anyway, that was time. All in all, I'd consider this a pretty well done exercise. I think I'm going to keep it up. Try to start writing poetry and journal entries again. Maybe work on Bad Moon Rising. I really want to do Faithless, but no one every reviewed with a chosen drabble. Can't say how irritated I am with that, by the way. Don't get fanfiction readers at all. Over a hundred hits on Bad Moon Rising and only one review. I mean, the least you could do is encourage the author to keep going if the story was enough to peak your interest in such a way, right? Grr. Major suckage. Oh well, I'm off to see the Wizard. Ta!

My friends really should have better things to do than spam my inbox with these goddamn chain surveys...and I should have something better to do with my life than complete this stupid emails. But could've, would've, should've, right?

Twenty Five Things (Your Friends Should Know About You)

1. My nickname is...Catty.
2. My birthday is...this coming Tuesday, June 16.
3.My favorite color would have to be...blue.
4.My favorite flowers are...Stargazer Lilies.
5.My favorite word is...it would probably be qualified as a profanity, actually. But it's so damn flexible. A noun, a verb, an adjective, an expletive, etc. Really useful, that one little four letter word.
6. Tea or coffee? No-brainer. Coffee.
7. Wonderwoman or Superman? I hate both, but, uh, Wonderwoman.
8. Paper or plastic? As bad as it is for the environment, plastic.
9.Girls or guys? Like I care. If I'm interested, I'm interested.
10. Motorcycle or car? Honestly, if you have to ask this, you're crazy. XD MOTORCYCLE!!!! ~<3
11. Booze or cigarettes? Booze. By now, my viewpoint on smoking is pretty clear. Not happening.
12. Land or sea? Two if by sea, if you please. I love the water. The sand? Not so much.
13. Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings? Harry Potter all the way.
14. Johnny Depp or Orlando Bloom? Guh. Shame on you for asking that. I'll take both in nothing but a ribbon, please.
15. Europe or America? Wow, this is tough. There's a lot of places I'd love to see in both...but I'm a New Yorker, so America.
16. Democrat or Republican? Democrat.
16. Rock or Rap? Classics. I don't care about genre, so long as the song makes me smile.
17. McDonald's or Burger King? White Castle, baby!
18. Lefty or righty? Righty, dahling.
19. Pizza or Chinese? Chinese, duh! I though my addiction was rather obvious.
20. Poetry or Prose? Poetry. Always.
21. Conan O'Brien or Stephen Colbert? I'm sorry, was there even a competition? Colbert. Now, Craig Ferguson vs. Stephen Colbert would be impossible.
22. Walkman or iPod? Walkman, oddly enough. Call me ghetto if you like, but I prefer the term nostalgic.
23. Guitar Hero or Rockband? Well, Guitar Hero's great for me, 'cause I can play solo. But Rockband's fun with friends.
24. Donkey Kong Or Mario? Um...Princess Peach and Diddy Kong? *sighs* If I must, Donkey.
25. Team Edward or Team Jacob? Team Twilight Needs To Die, actually.

When I was a little girl, someone once said I had a mercurial temper. At the time, I didn't quite understand what they meant, (the word was either to big, or just unfamiliar) but the words have always stuck with me. The funny thing is, I don't associate anything with the memory. I'm not even sure who said it, or where we were, or why they were prompted to make such an observation. The words just sort of float across my mind from time to time, like a disjointed echo, a sort of warning in the form of a haunting memory.

Maybe they're right. Or maybe my mind manufactured the whole thing as a sort of alarm that I need to take caution and try to reign myself in.

I'm not really the time to get angry. Indignant, aggravated, resentful, bitchy, irritated, annoyed, and completely pissed off, yes. But not angry. Never angry. It takes a long time for me to get well and truly enraged. And then I blow, my temper coming in on one end of the spectrum or the other. There is no in between. Extreme? You have no idea.

Ice - I'll shut down completely and become so glacial that my every action burns. I won't speak, I won't react. I'll be unfailingly polite and ignore you. In such a mindset, no one is even worth my time. I feel nothing but apathy, despite the fact my body language is tense and I practically slam/stomp around the house. It's funny. My friends don't even know that I'm angry when I'm like this. You'd think they'd catch a hint, right? People don't just randomly close down and become impassive mid-conversation, right? This is the first line of temper, and quite truthfully, its the better of the two extremes to deal with for all involved.

And then, there's Fire - And  it's as though lava and glass are being forced through my veins. There's this exquisite agony, like I just have to let the rage consume me completely and I open my mouth. And then I erupt like a volcano of  harsh words and cruel insults. The things that come out are positively ruthless, meant to draw blood over and over again, so absolutely frigid that the people around me flinch. And I can't stop until the destruction is complete, until I've become this heartless, hateful thing. This consummate bitch from my own nightmares...and only then, with a smile on my lips and absolutely hard eyes, do I feel even the slightest bit better, because I've made everyone else feel worse. And I positively hate myself when it's over, but I can't stop because they make me so angry...and honestly, it really, really, really takes a lot to get me to this point. Do I feel bad for the innocent bystanders that sometimes get blasted? Oh yeah. Definitely. But there are certain lines you don't cross, and honestly, if you're stupid enough to tow the line while I'm enraged, I have little sympathy, no matter how guilty I might feel afterward.

Wondering what brought on this rant about my temper? My so-called family. What else? It's always my family in some way or another. Because my life wasn't fucked up enough to begin with. So I say again...Et tu, Brute?

I can't keep doing this. I'm just sick of it all. My parents, my life, my illness. It's so fucking hot, and I'm tired and I don't ...I just...I'm on the verge of tears. I knew it was going to be hard, watching my friends get the things I wanted, but damnit, I....

They keep telling me it's not my fault. That I'm sick, that I'll catch up to them in my own time, but I never wanted to be dragged out of the race in the first place. It's not fair. Oh, I can hear you all now, laughing about teen angst and how stupid I must sound. But it's the honest to God truth. I swing from one extreme to the other, depression to rage, loneliness to fury, bitterness to hurt, and I don't know how to handle it. They never really sat me down and asked, y'know? They just think I should accept it because that's how they raised me.

But I feel wrong and unwanted and defective, like I'm being punished for something, and every time I see a class ring, or a school jacket, or hear about college letters and prom plans it just twists the knife a little deeper. Maybe I'm a masochist, because I ask sometimes. And I keep expecting to feel happy for my friends, that they found an awesome dress, or are going to college here, or they were asked out by so and so. And on some level, I do...but at the same time, it's overshadowed by jealousy and anger and this overwhelming feeling that I'm being left behind to rot in this hell for the rest of my life.

My parents have always been way too overprotective. And lately, it feels stifling. I'm nearly 18 and they still give me a goddamn bedtime like I'm five. They won't let me walk anywhere after dark, they don't let me make my own decisions, they won't sit down and help work out a plan because my mother is always so busy catering to my Grandfather's every whim...and that's another thing. I wish he would just die already. I'd probably cry a bit, but honestly, I think I'd be more resentful I had to watch the dog all the time rather than just most of it. I love my Poppy, don't get me wrong, but I honestly can't deal with this shit anymore. I have enough of my own...as far as he's concerned I'm not nearly as sick as I am, and he should be center stage at all times.

My parents both have jobs, yes, but they're not terribly well paying, and Uncle Billy is losing his job come the beginning of June, so I don't know what will happen. I feel like I should maybe get a job to help out, but what if I get sick? How do you figure out all that financial crap? I sure as hell don't have a college fund or anything, so I have that to worry about when I get to that point. Getting my license would probably help a bit, but no one would lend me their cars, and besides, that adds me to their insurance...which is more money, plus gas and everything else...bringing me back to my nonexistent job. But I don't want to try and get a job until I work out how to get my diploma, because really, who wants to hire someone who never finished 11th grade? And even then, I'd have to find someway to pay for the program, because my parents have enough shit to worry about. Feeding five people and bills to keep us fed, clean, warm/cool, and able to get around are expensive enough without the ton of medical bills my dad and I accumulated. I just...I don't know how to start or what to do, and no one will sit down and talk with me and I'm so confused and I just....I want to curl up in a ball and cry and scream and figure out how to stand on my own two feet....and yet I want to run towards my parents and hide from reality forever. I...it all comes down to the fact I need help and no one has the time to give it to me.