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Catty Rose
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| | Tags: | fun, quiz | | Time: | 11:52 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/growf/pengies/sad.gif) bored |
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So, this is just a bit of fun I was having earlier. First...a quiz to see what sort of accent I have, and what a co-inky-dink! I sound like I'm from the North!
If you're an alien, how come you sound like you're from the North?
Lots of planets have a North!
*snickers* So, does that mean I'm an alien, or a New Yorker? I suppose the answer's both, really. You can't be one without being the other, after all, New York City is a universe unto itself.
Second, my inner Goddess...
Artemis...huh? Well, if the shoe fits...I really am a lunatic!
A pale moon is shining, is shining so bright,
And lovers are strolling by my window tonight,
Their laughter so merry...brings heartaches and sighs,
To a prisoner who’s lonely for the moonlight and skies.
(I forget just where I've heard/read this, but it seems fitting enough.)
Use the force, Luke.
Luke, I am your father.
I dunno what to think about this particular result...yay for being a good guy?
Your results:
You are Luke Skywalker
| Luke Skywalker |
| 72% |
| Boba Fett |
| 67% |
| Han Solo |
| 64% |
| Princess Leia |
| 63% |
| Chewbacca |
| 62% |
| R2-D2 |
| 60% |
| Obi-Wan Kenobi |
| 59% |
| Padme |
| 59% |
| Mace Windu |
| 57% |
| Darth Vader |
| 55% |
|
You value your friends and loved ones,
but can sometimes act recklessly
because of your emotions.
Occasionally you resort to whining.
You look ahead to great things for yourself.
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(This list displays the top 10 results out of a possible 21 characters)
Click here to take the Star Wars Personality Test
My seduction style...*snorts*
| comments: Leave a comment   |
| So, my lovely muses, as everyone can probably guess...have decided to come home after taking a long and rather irritating vacation to Fiji. Unfortunately, while they are back, they're not exactly willing to work very hard. Maybe it's because they're lazy. Maybe it's because their writer is even more so. Personally, though, I think I'll just blame the airline for losing their luggage.
Anyway, seeing as how I'm pretty much completely uninspired...one poem in three months? I've decided to follow the wisdom of writers far greater than me and join 100 themes. So those of you waiting for full chapters on your chosen drabbles? They're coming once I get back into the swing of things, have no fear. For now, though...I've got 100 drabbles to write!
| 001. | Mellow |
002. | Eternal |
003. | Subtle |
004. | Cheat |
005. | Transparent |
| 006. | Believeable |
007. | Repeat |
008. | Addicted |
009. | Write |
010. | Soulful |
| 011. | Broken |
012. | Stop Time |
013. | Alcohol |
014. | Pauses |
015. | Affront |
| 016. | Run |
017. | Experience |
018. | Fatality |
019. | Helping Hand |
020. | Breeze |
| 021. | Get Up |
022. | Villain |
023. | Worst Day |
024. | Bewitching |
025. | Jubilant |
| 026. | Languid |
027. | Obsessive |
028. | Recoil |
029. | Vehement |
030. | Collide |
| 031. | On My Mind |
032. | Mirror |
033. | Kneel |
034. | Locked |
035. | Punch |
| 036. | Tight |
037. | Urban |
038. | Health |
039. | Older |
040. | Vital |
| 041. | Dawn |
042. | Lust |
043. | Memorial |
044. | Pretend |
045. | Zeal |
| 046. | Disaster |
047. | Blush |
048. | Nimble |
049. | Remain |
050. | Snore |
| 051. | Done |
052. | Justice |
053. | Weapon |
054. | Tide |
055. | Accent |
| 056. | Indirect |
057. | Haze |
058. | Puzzle |
059. | Try Again |
060. | Reap |
| 061. | Settle |
062. | Treat |
063. | Notice |
064. | Least |
065. | Exception |
| 066. | Rule |
067. | Correct |
068. | Harm |
069. | Strive |
070. | Temperamental |
| 071. | Divided |
072. | Victory |
073. | Delivery |
074. | Ballad |
075. | All I Ask |
| 076. | Fire |
077. | Lies |
078. | Stormy |
079. | Terrible |
080. | Decay |
| 081. | Dramatic |
082. | Panic |
083. | With You |
084. | Killing |
085. | Jump |
| 086. | Waste |
087. | Passion |
088. | Flying |
089. | Drought |
090. | Sword |
| 091. | Skill |
092. | Dust |
093. | Enchant |
094. | Shadows |
095. | Powerless |
| 096. | Writer's Choice |
097. | Writer's Choice |
098. | Writer's Choice |
099. | Writer's Choice |
100. | Writer's Choice |
| | comments: Leave a comment |
| My family's in a right state tonight due to a family friend whose health has taken a rather drastic turn for the worst. I'm not entirely sure how I feel, as this has been a long time coming. It doesn't really make it any easier, though. So, I'll sit and pray for the Goddess to do what is right by the universe, be it healing him or taking him home to the Summerland. I'm sure my Mother would be rather angry with me if she read that. "You should be praying for him to get better," she'd say. But better is relative, isn't it? His quality of life has been rather poor for some time, and he's been having a rough go of it long before that.
I always laugh when people say "Oh, you're looking so much better. Are you feeling better, sweetie?" Sometimes, the answer is yes. Yes, I'm feeling better. As a matter of fact, I almost feel human today. Can't you tell by the effort I made to get dressed and deal with the world and the damn people in it today? Maybe in about ten years I'll feel like my old self again. But I won't really, will I? Everything can change in ten years. It's highly likely I will, too. As it is, most days I don't even remember what it felt like to be well. I've never been healthy, not really. Asthma, semi-bad vision, and a piss poor immune system have long proved that. But I was as hale and hearty as I ever could be. These days, I don't remember what it was like to eat and not rush to the bathroom, to be able to play DDR or Guitar Hero without my joints protesting. I remember taking the stairs three at a time when I was younger. Now I clutch the rail and step as carefully as I can, trying to ward off the stupid dizzy spells that sometimes overtake me. I don't mind having to watch what I eat and take far too many pills, really I don't...I just wish there was a sign that they were actually working.
I've come a long way since I first got sick, but it feels like I've hit a plateau a while back and haven't made any progress since. And I won't lie to you, it's frustrating as hell. Kind of like when I look at my to do list and wonder if I'll be able to make it half way through before I'm too warn out to complete it. I mean, as it stands, I really need to do two loads of wash, and return those books to the library, and pick up a few odds and ends at the store, and really, Stewie's water isn't going to change itself, now is it? Merde, but my life is dull if this is all I have to look forward to. Maybe I could talk my Mom into taking me to the City and going to a museum. Doubt it, though. Hell, I'd settle for the Mall. Anything to get out of here before I go crazy. I never realized just how much I relied on talking to Natasha to keep me sane. How am I supposed to survive four years like this?
I'll muddle through, I suppose. I always do, in the end. In conclusion, when compared to Doomsday, my day really wasn't so bad, all in all. My life, however, could really use a makeover...
| | comments: Leave a comment |
| Jesus Chris, I can't believe how long it's been since I've had the time to sit still and just write for the sake of writing. Between vacation (Washington D.C., and than down the shore), my best friend's leaving the country to spend some time with her family and than for Boston to set up her dorm...we were cramming as much time together in as possible before she left. I'm already in Natasha withdrawal and she's gone less than a week...and I won't really be seeing her until the end of November. Guh. At least I'll be able to call her when she gets back at the end of the month. Until then, however, I'm actively babysitting a cute little turtle by the name of Stewie. Yes, Stewie of Family Guy fame. He used to have a best mate named Bryan, but alas, Bryan is six feet under as of some time ago.
The job hunt is not really going so great, but I remain optimistic...well, so long as I can keep the flare I feel coming at bay. I hear Party City is hiring, so I might see if I can get a lift down there at some point this week. Honestly, I wish there was something closer to home, but maybe this is a sign. I guess getting my GED should really take priority. Besides, what with my Mom trying to plan a vow renewal....20 years as of October 28th! Geez, how time flies when you're living with the only legal form of slavery left. Just kidding. Honestly, I think my parents are one of the only stable, happy couples I know. I won't go so far as to say sane, but they're still in love. That's got to count for something, right?
Shame that insanity is hereditary. I just hope that someday I'll find someone who will love me enough to be my ball and chain for twenty years...and than consent to do it all again! For now though, I'll have to sate myself on cold Sicilian pizza (my favorite!) and Sour Patch Kids...and root beer. Lots and lots of root beer. Can root beer get you drunk? I mean, it might explain my music taste lately...Plastic Bertrand's Ca Plane Pour Moi? Ian Dury and the Blockheads' Hit Me With Your Rhythym Stick? David Bowie's Star Man? Seriously, talk about odd taste. Maybe it's all the paint fumes from getting the house painted. I mean, of course, there's the obligatory Beatles songs stuck in my head...The Long and Winding Road, Yesterday, Hello,Goodbye, and In My Life. Than there's the Ramones....Gods, but I <3 the classics. Although my favorite new song of the week would have to be Kids In The Way's My Little Nightmare. Totally worth a listen, let me tell you.
Anyway, on to the actual point of this bloody entry. I ran across an entry in one of the fantastic Terri Oneioi's many listings that peaked my interest, so I figured I'd give it a try.
My Life; A Soundtrack- Opening Credits - About A Girl ~ Nirvana
- Wake Up Scene - Welcome To The Jungle ~ Guns N' Roses
- Driving Scene - On The Road Again ~ Willie Nelson
- High School Flashback - Take Me Out ~ Franz Ferdinand
- Nostalgic Scene - As Time Goes By ~ Julie London
- Bitter/Angry Scene - Break Stuff ~ Limp Bizkit
- Break Up Scene - If You See Him/If You See Her ~ Reba McEntire Feat. Brooks And Dunn
- Regret Scene - In My Life ~ The Beatles
- Nightclub/Bar Scene - Paralyzer ~ Finger Eleven
- Action/Fight Scene - Walk ~ Pantera
- Lawn Mowing Scene - Walk Like An Egyptian ~ The Bangles
- Sad/Breakdown Scene - Wake Me Up When September Ends ~ Green Day
- Death Scene - Toy Soldiers ~ Martika
- Funeral Scene - Prelude 12/21 ~ AFI
- Mellow/High Scene - Black, Black Heart ~ David Usher
- Dream Sequence - Because The Night ~ 10,000 Maniacs
- Sex Scene - Rock Candy ~ Montrose
- Contemplation/Enlightenment Scene - If Tomorrow Never Comes ~ Ronan Keating
- Chase Scene - Moondance ~ Nightwish
- Happy Love Scene - Love You Madly ~ Cake
- Happy Friend Scene - Girls Just Want To Have Fun ~ Cyndi Lauper
- Closing Credits - Smells Like Teen Spirit ~ Nirvana
| | comments: Leave a comment |
| ...99 bottles of beer. You take one down, pass it around, 98 bottles of beer on the wall. 98 bottles of beer on the wall, 98 bottles of beer...you take one down, pass it around...97 bottles of beer on the wall. Erm, right. So now that that's out of the way, (and my system) I guess it's time to get to the point of this little entry. In about three minutes, I will do a five minute free write, which in and of itself should be pretty interesting. Because my mind is truly a disturbing little place that shall leave you questioning my sanity, and yours for going there...oh well. To infinity and beyond! Hehehe. As if this wasn't enough of a ramble, I'm going to do one in two minutes. Make that a minute. I can't wait to start. C'mon, c'mon. Change already....I wanna start! Anyone else thing I really need to lay off the chocolate milk?
And it's begun! Wahoo! I'm doing this stupid exercise to try and get myself back into writing. Lately, I've been like an ADHD kid high on sugar past my bedtime, bouncing off walls, floors, ceilings, and doors chasing rainbow colored plot bunnies that never amount to much all over the house. Because you know, white rabbits are just too boring to go chasing after. I much prefer a maroon and purple bunny in a pair of tartan pants. Right, that imagery probably wasn't disturbing at all. Mmmhmm. Anyway, I've got about half a chapter of Bad Moon Rising done, but I'm reluctant to force more out at the mo', because that particular plot bunny has wedged itself into my shoe collection under the bed, and I can't tell the damn thing apart from my happy bunny slippers. I used to have Pikachu slippers when I was younger...damn, I absolutely loved those things. They were awesome. Pokemon these days sucks. Like all cartoons. Hell, tv in general these days suck. I'm such a fanfiction junkie as a result. If I hate the way a show ends? Yeah, fanfic time! But that's beside the point. I haven't heard from Natasha in a bit. I'm a little miffed about that. I mean, any time I call her she's always doing something...doesn't she miss me?
Anyway, that was time. All in all, I'd consider this a pretty well done exercise. I think I'm going to keep it up. Try to start writing poetry and journal entries again. Maybe work on Bad Moon Rising. I really want to do Faithless, but no one every reviewed with a chosen drabble. Can't say how irritated I am with that, by the way. Don't get fanfiction readers at all. Over a hundred hits on Bad Moon Rising and only one review. I mean, the least you could do is encourage the author to keep going if the story was enough to peak your interest in such a way, right? Grr. Major suckage. Oh well, I'm off to see the Wizard. Ta! | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| My friends really should have better things to do than spam my inbox with these goddamn chain surveys...and I should have something better to do with my life than complete this stupid emails. But could've, would've, should've, right?
Twenty Five Things (Your Friends Should Know About You)
1. My nickname is...Catty.
2. My birthday is...this coming Tuesday, June 16.
3.My favorite color would have to be...blue.
4.My favorite flowers are...Stargazer Lilies.
5.My favorite word is...it would probably be qualified as a profanity, actually. But it's so damn flexible. A noun, a verb, an adjective, an expletive, etc. Really useful, that one little four letter word.
6. Tea or coffee? No-brainer. Coffee.
7. Wonderwoman or Superman? I hate both, but, uh, Wonderwoman.
8. Paper or plastic? As bad as it is for the environment, plastic.
9.Girls or guys? Like I care. If I'm interested, I'm interested.
10. Motorcycle or car? Honestly, if you have to ask this, you're crazy. XD MOTORCYCLE!!!! ~<3
11. Booze or cigarettes? Booze. By now, my viewpoint on smoking is pretty clear. Not happening.
12. Land or sea? Two if by sea, if you please. I love the water. The sand? Not so much.
13. Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings? Harry Potter all the way.
14. Johnny Depp or Orlando Bloom? Guh. Shame on you for asking that. I'll take both in nothing but a ribbon, please.
15. Europe or America? Wow, this is tough. There's a lot of places I'd love to see in both...but I'm a New Yorker, so America.
16. Democrat or Republican? Democrat.
16. Rock or Rap? Classics. I don't care about genre, so long as the song makes me smile.
17. McDonald's or Burger King? White Castle, baby!
18. Lefty or righty? Righty, dahling.
19. Pizza or Chinese? Chinese, duh! I though my addiction was rather obvious.
20. Poetry or Prose? Poetry. Always.
21. Conan O'Brien or Stephen Colbert? I'm sorry, was there even a competition? Colbert. Now, Craig Ferguson vs. Stephen Colbert would be impossible.
22. Walkman or iPod? Walkman, oddly enough. Call me ghetto if you like, but I prefer the term nostalgic.
23. Guitar Hero or Rockband? Well, Guitar Hero's great for me, 'cause I can play solo. But Rockband's fun with friends.
24. Donkey Kong Or Mario? Um...Princess Peach and Diddy Kong? *sighs* If I must, Donkey.
25. Team Edward or Team Jacob? Team Twilight Needs To Die, actually.
| | comments: Leave a comment |
| When I was a little girl, someone once said I had a mercurial temper. At the time, I didn't quite understand what they meant, (the word was either to big, or just unfamiliar) but the words have always stuck with me. The funny thing is, I don't associate anything with the memory. I'm not even sure who said it, or where we were, or why they were prompted to make such an observation. The words just sort of float across my mind from time to time, like a disjointed echo, a sort of warning in the form of a haunting memory.
Maybe they're right. Or maybe my mind manufactured the whole thing as a sort of alarm that I need to take caution and try to reign myself in.
I'm not really the time to get angry. Indignant, aggravated, resentful, bitchy, irritated, annoyed, and completely pissed off, yes. But not angry. Never angry. It takes a long time for me to get well and truly enraged. And then I blow, my temper coming in on one end of the spectrum or the other. There is no in between. Extreme? You have no idea.
Ice - I'll shut down completely and become so glacial that my every action burns. I won't speak, I won't react. I'll be unfailingly polite and ignore you. In such a mindset, no one is even worth my time. I feel nothing but apathy, despite the fact my body language is tense and I practically slam/stomp around the house. It's funny. My friends don't even know that I'm angry when I'm like this. You'd think they'd catch a hint, right? People don't just randomly close down and become impassive mid-conversation, right? This is the first line of temper, and quite truthfully, its the better of the two extremes to deal with for all involved.
And then, there's Fire - And it's as though lava and glass are being forced through my veins. There's this exquisite agony, like I just have to let the rage consume me completely and I open my mouth. And then I erupt like a volcano of harsh words and cruel insults. The things that come out are positively ruthless, meant to draw blood over and over again, so absolutely frigid that the people around me flinch. And I can't stop until the destruction is complete, until I've become this heartless, hateful thing. This consummate bitch from my own nightmares...and only then, with a smile on my lips and absolutely hard eyes, do I feel even the slightest bit better, because I've made everyone else feel worse. And I positively hate myself when it's over, but I can't stop because they make me so angry...and honestly, it really, really, really takes a lot to get me to this point. Do I feel bad for the innocent bystanders that sometimes get blasted? Oh yeah. Definitely. But there are certain lines you don't cross, and honestly, if you're stupid enough to tow the line while I'm enraged, I have little sympathy, no matter how guilty I might feel afterward.
Wondering what brought on this rant about my temper? My so-called family. What else? It's always my family in some way or another. Because my life wasn't fucked up enough to begin with. So I say again...Et tu, Brute? | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| I can't keep doing this. I'm just sick of it all. My parents, my life, my illness. It's so fucking hot, and I'm tired and I don't ...I just...I'm on the verge of tears. I knew it was going to be hard, watching my friends get the things I wanted, but damnit, I....
They keep telling me it's not my fault. That I'm sick, that I'll catch up to them in my own time, but I never wanted to be dragged out of the race in the first place. It's not fair. Oh, I can hear you all now, laughing about teen angst and how stupid I must sound. But it's the honest to God truth. I swing from one extreme to the other, depression to rage, loneliness to fury, bitterness to hurt, and I don't know how to handle it. They never really sat me down and asked, y'know? They just think I should accept it because that's how they raised me.
But I feel wrong and unwanted and defective, like I'm being punished for something, and every time I see a class ring, or a school jacket, or hear about college letters and prom plans it just twists the knife a little deeper. Maybe I'm a masochist, because I ask sometimes. And I keep expecting to feel happy for my friends, that they found an awesome dress, or are going to college here, or they were asked out by so and so. And on some level, I do...but at the same time, it's overshadowed by jealousy and anger and this overwhelming feeling that I'm being left behind to rot in this hell for the rest of my life.
My parents have always been way too overprotective. And lately, it feels stifling. I'm nearly 18 and they still give me a goddamn bedtime like I'm five. They won't let me walk anywhere after dark, they don't let me make my own decisions, they won't sit down and help work out a plan because my mother is always so busy catering to my Grandfather's every whim...and that's another thing. I wish he would just die already. I'd probably cry a bit, but honestly, I think I'd be more resentful I had to watch the dog all the time rather than just most of it. I love my Poppy, don't get me wrong, but I honestly can't deal with this shit anymore. I have enough of my own...as far as he's concerned I'm not nearly as sick as I am, and he should be center stage at all times.
My parents both have jobs, yes, but they're not terribly well paying, and Uncle Billy is losing his job come the beginning of June, so I don't know what will happen. I feel like I should maybe get a job to help out, but what if I get sick? How do you figure out all that financial crap? I sure as hell don't have a college fund or anything, so I have that to worry about when I get to that point. Getting my license would probably help a bit, but no one would lend me their cars, and besides, that adds me to their insurance...which is more money, plus gas and everything else...bringing me back to my nonexistent job. But I don't want to try and get a job until I work out how to get my diploma, because really, who wants to hire someone who never finished 11th grade? And even then, I'd have to find someway to pay for the program, because my parents have enough shit to worry about. Feeding five people and bills to keep us fed, clean, warm/cool, and able to get around are expensive enough without the ton of medical bills my dad and I accumulated. I just...I don't know how to start or what to do, and no one will sit down and talk with me and I'm so confused and I just....I want to curl up in a ball and cry and scream and figure out how to stand on my own two feet....and yet I want to run towards my parents and hide from reality forever. I...it all comes down to the fact I need help and no one has the time to give it to me.
| | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| And honestly, sometimes I wish the world would just stop spinning.
Most of the time, I'm fine when I hear talk. Hell, I've made more than my share of lewd comments and dirty jokes over the years, and perhaps some of the company I keep can be considered...dubious. I am, after all, a young adult living in an age where sex is as common place as breathing, and we are all exposed to it at an early age thanks to the media. And I've long since made my peace with these circumstances. But let's just push those harmless fantasies and comments about Orlando Bloom's ass aside, for a minute, if you please. This is harder for me to say than I think most of my friends will ever understand if they read this...
Make your jokes and speak as you will of sex, but please, please, please, understand that not everyone is as comfortable speaking about such topics as you are. I have nothing against adult entertainment, so long as the movies, stories, etc. stay in responsible hands. I'd never condemn anyone for finding enjoyment out of such things when I myself have read and wrote some more adult oriented things over the years. There is nothing wrong with being curious about sex. It's part of growing up, a completely natural biological response. That being said, just because it's natural doesn't mean I personally want to hear about it. You gave your boyfriend a blow job? That's nice. Keep the details to yourself. There is such a thing as too much information, you know.
I can see you guys rolling your eyes and scoffing loudly at my proclamations. But you've always known I was old fashioned when it comes to my views on sex. I was raised in a very free household. My parents have always given my reign to do what I want, so long as I tell the truth. I want to try pot? (Not really, but this is an example..) That's fine with them so long as I do it home where they can watch over me. And that's always been their policy. If I'm curious about how a certain alcohol tastes, my parents are more than willing to give me a sip, because they trust me to be an adult about such things. I've always believed that if you can't come right out and say what you want to do, be it have sex or do a shot of tequila, you have no business doing such thing. I've been on birth control for a long while, and if I ever did decide to have sex, my parents know I'd be mature enough to demand my partner wear protection, because one can never be too safe. And I know that doesn't sound very Christian, because fanatics will always claim "If it's God's will, it will happen." Well, I think God would understand refraining from having children until the parties involved can be sure it will be in a safe, stable environment.
But truthfully, that's not for me. I want to go before the eyes of God on my wedding day in a white dress, and all that it symbolizes, because that is how I believe every bride should be received in the eyes of the church as they take their vows before God. Yes, people, I'm a virgin. And I intend to stay that way until my wedding night, as it should be. Surprised? I'll bet you are. Most people usually are when I say such things, especially considering how open my parents are. But a bird in a cage with a closed door will always try to escape, where as a bird in a cage with an open door will never know it is not free. In the end, I'll always have the option to fly away, and never will I resent my parents for my choices. I have no desire to rebel. And why should I, when my parents love me unconditionally? For all my past sins, I was raised right. And although they've never outright told me what to do, I hope they'll be proud of my decision. I don't believe in sex before marriage, people. That's all I've been trying to tell you for the past....only God knows how long. So before you open your mouth and start to regale me with your latest sexcapades, remember that I believe in abstinence, and that maybe, just maybe, you're making me uncomfortable.
And now, I leave you with a passage from the Song of Songs; Chapter 6, Verse 3.
"I am my lover's and my lover is mine."
Thanks for hearing my little rant out, guys. It makes me feel better to at least know someone out there is listening, and that my personal beliefs are just as important as anyone else's. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
|
I mean it. I really, really am sick and tired of writing and posting, only to find that I've had dozens of hits and no one could be bothered to review. It wouldn't bug me so much if I didn't make a point to review the stories I like as much as possible. Hell, even if I don't have time to post a review, I'll often go back and write one when I have more time.
I did the iPod shuffle challenge for the Tin Man fandom, and while I'll admit it wasn't my best work (You only have as long as the song is playing to write your drabble, so polishing it up afterwards is basically cheating...) but I still managed to get over 60 hits. 60! And not one review from a single one of those readers. Granted, I always say I write things because I enjoy writing, and hopefully someone will enjoy what I've written...but still, I can't help but be a little upset, y'know? Sixty people bothered to read a story I was insecure about posting and not a single one could be bothered to say "Oh, that was cute." Or "Thanks for writing." Nothing. Nada. Ziltch. Zero. Zip.
People do the same with Faithless, so it shouldn't surprise me over much...the only difference is, I love Faithless. I write that story for me and me alone. Faithless is my pride and joy, and I've put more of my heart and soul into that story than anything else I've ever written. Soul Songs, however, makes me a nervous wreck because it's a new, semi-unknown fandom. And I haven't received a single kind word from any of its fans. I guess that means I'll be sticking to Cruel Intentions from now on. That's what you get when you try to go out of your comfort zone, yeah?
To be fair though, I probably wouldn't give a fuck about the lack of encouragement if life wasn't so goddamn fucked up right now. What with Grandpa, and Daddy, and everything else that's piling up in real life....I could just really use someone with a few nice words right about now. Everything just seems to keep going wrong, and I'm getting more and more tired of dealing with it all. I...everything's up in the air right now...and for someone who thrives on familiarity and habit, it's scaring me more than anything. So sorry for dumping on you. Really.
And even if no one reads this, (as usual) it's a comfort to have gotten it off of my chest before I threw a tantrum or burst into tears (again). Yay for being emotionally unstable in such a fucked up time to be living! Long live the 90s! Everything was better back then! And long live DG and Glitch, even if I've wrote my first and last real pairing piece for them.
~ <3
I'll ramble more later, I suppose. Has anyone else noticed I come across really emo on this damn thing? Prolly because I can't actually vent to a real person, so this is the next best thing. Terribly sorry for anyone who reads this for all the angst and drama. Really. My apologies. | | comments: Leave a comment |
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It's been a long time since I updated this journal. So long, in fact, I'm not sure what it is I have to say anymore. The truth is, I'm so, so very tired, and I'm going under once again. Since after Christmas, I've been given to fevers, prone to joint pain, and needing much more sleep than anyone logically should.
I'm easily exhausted walking around the house, and sometimes I have to slow my steps on the stairs because of the pain in my knees and the disoriented, dizzy feeling I get on occasion. Lately, since my parents have been around alot, I've been taking the stairs super fast and rushing into my room before they can see me start swaying. I like to pretend I'm fine, as though lying about how I feel will make it less real, as if I convince myself and everyone around me that I'm fine, I will be. Somehow. Magically. Overnight.
....Yeah, I'm not fooling me, either. But pretending is all I can do. I pretend that my father's brain tumor isn't growing back. I pretend I'm not resentful that I should be graduating this year. I pretend I'm fine with how it all turned out. I pretend I don't miss Nami, and that I'm not worried that in leaving for college, I'll be left behind, too. I pretend that my family is really a family,and that it's not shattering all around me.
But no matter how much I pretend, it doesn't change the fact that my reality came tumbling down on its ear the day I started getting sick. And oh, the years that have passed since have been hell on Earth. I'm just so fucking tired. And there's no one I can talk to, not really. I don't want to worry them any more than they are. We're all stressed. Financially, physically, emotionally, mentally....why should I be any different?
Telling them I don't want to even get out of bed anymore and that I just want to close my eyes and sleep forever and ever amen would probably worry them. I know they care, and that I'm loved. And that makes it worse, I think. It's all the harder for me to admit these things. Sometimes, I just want to spend the day curled up in a ball, and let myself just cry. But tears bring questions I can't answer, and a vast array of emotions I'd rather not feel, because I don't have the energy to deal with any of this anymore. I just want to sleep forever, and yet they're there, saying they love me in the way Uncle Billy bought me home my favorite tea flavor, or the way that Mommy is teaching me to crochet, or the way that Grandpa offered me a banana just the way I like it, or the way that Daddy just sits in the tv room with me sometimes, as if to say "I'm here."
How can I tell them these things? They all have enough on their plates with Grandpa and Daddy, and money, and the company closing. I feel useless and selfish and childish. Because I can't fix this. Any of it. How can I fix the shattered remains of a mirror that once held a world if I can't even tape myself back together in almost three years? I'm a royal fuck up in the gene pool. Why do they love me? I'm sickly and bitchy and so damn stupid I'm not even in school anymore...I just...I can't disappoint them by telling them this when I'm already such a disappointment to the whole damn family. I don't know what to do. I honestly, I dont...I'm not...I'm crying like the weak little girl I am. How the hell did I ever plan to take on the big bad world? For fuck's sake, I wake up twice as tired as when I went to bed, and everything hurts and honestly, I think my soul is dying, and sometimes I wish they didn't care at all because it'd be so much easier to slip away if I didn't know it would hurt them so much. And so I keep it all inside until I'm screaming myself hoarse and still not making a sound, and I cry into my pillow in the dead of night and I pray, and pray, and pray, and wonder why my words seem to fall on deaf ears. Was I truly such a wicked soul that I deserved to be broken in such a way? Did I not love as freely as I could, give myself completely to the ones I loved, did I not love the world enough to be pulled so brutally out of it?
If I've said it once, I've said it too many times. It's not fair. Not to me, or the people I love, or the people who love me. And I'd rather it be me than see someone I love suffer, but the question always screams like a mantra in my head, nails on chalkboard torturing my thoughts. Why me? Why me? What could I have possibly have done to deserve this? And the tears keep coming while I blare my music to cover the sound, and the shadows and doubts and fears keep surrounding me and pulling me further and further down and although my family is close I've never felt so damn far away and shattered. I can't fix me. I can't fix anything. I'm worthless and useless and they shouldn't love me because I don't deserve it, damnit. I'm a broken doll with cracks running through it that someone loved too much, too long, and it's only overwhelming love that formed over the years that keeps me from being tossed aside. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Yesterday, one of my friends sent me a fun email that I couldn't help but respond to here, as well. Mark's email was entitled 25 Things, and I couldn't pass up the opportunity to share. Feel free to edit out the italics and fill in the blanks in your own journal. I'd love to read them if you do.
1. My favorite animated movie is...Who Framed Roger Rabbit. If that doesn't count, Space Jam.
2. My favorite book would have to be... Alice In Wonderland.
3. I'll never admit it, but I watched... Baywatch. Never understood the appeal until I got older, though.
4. I'm still a closet fan of... boy bands. New Kids on the Block, Boyz II Men, N'Sync, the old Backstreet Boys stuff.
5. My favorite superhero has always been... Batman.
6. I've never played... World of Warcraft. But I wish it'd die already.
7. My oldest friend is... Sammi.
8. I religiously watched... Scooby Doo. Every episode, every movie.
9. My favorite person in the world is... Scooby Doo. Best doggie ever. Do pets count?
10. My childhood role model was... Bugs Bunny....or the Road Runner. Oh you meant a real person?Sissa. She still is, even if I don't see her as much.
11. I secretly regret... the fight with Tracy. Although if I'm honest, that's probably on equal footing with growing up without Nick and Pete. But none of that matters. It's too late now.
12.I cheer hardest for the... Jets. Thanksgiving sucks. Never get to sit still long enough to watch.
13. My favorite holiday is... Christmas. Gifts are nice, but they have nothing to do with it.
14. I'm embarassed to say this, but I still love... sleeping with something to hold. Now, it's a pillow...but when I feel particularly sick or upset, Bunky gets pulled out of hiding.
15. I'll never stop... biting my nails.
16. I'm afraid of... tomorrow, and the next day, and every day after that.
17. My favorite song is... Eiffel 65's Blue (Da Ba Dee.) No, just kidding. The Beatles' I Will.
18. When I was younger, I loved... Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire.
19. I have a secret taste for... rum! LmfaoJackSparrow! No, a good mystery. Movie, show, book...it doesn't matter.
20. My favorite color is... blue.
21. When I was younger... I thought I had a future.
22. Me, described in one word... Shattered.
23. Favorite relative (No adults, if possible)... It was Nicky. But I don't know him anymore. So I guess, Nami. She was unofficially adopted by my parents, anyway.
24. Sometimes I wish I could just... stop time, stop worrying, stop being scared, or sick. Take your pick, but sometimes, I wish I could just make it all end.
25. If I could have one wish, but not for more wishes, it would be... for all my family to be perfectly happy. To not have to worry about jobs, or harships, or health issues, or broken hearts, or anything else. It's probably a very selfish wish, when one could cure world hunger, or fix the economy, or bring peace on Earth....but it's my wish. The thing I would wish for with all my heart.
And now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go crash into bed. Lucky me, I got home from the Caribbean and got bronchitis. Such is my life. I tell you, having a crappy immune system sucks.
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| Well, this is apparently Christmas List take three, as I already got a new walkman, a cd wallet, and some new blank cds. So, here we are folks, the list as it stands.
DVDs:
The Breakfast Club
The Blues Brothers
The Rocky Horror Picture Show
Game Systems/Pieces:
A Nintendo DS
Guitar Hero Guitar
Games:
PS2; Guitar Hero
Gamboy Advance; Kingdom Hearts, Chain Of Memories
DS; Mario Party
DS; Pokemon Pearl
(More To Come, I'm Sure...)
Books:
Amelia Atwater-Rhodes; Wyvernhail
P.C. And Kristen Cast; Untamed, House Of The Night IV
Kelley Armstrong; The Summoning
Libba Bray; The Sweet Far Thing
Other:
AA Batteries
A New Cellphone? Sorry, I'm just trying to keep my thoughts straight. I'm really not feeling so well, and with our financial situation, I'm trying to ask for as little as possible.... | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| What else could I write?
I don't have the right
What else should I be?
All apologies
Nirvana - All Apologies
Well, as you guys can probably guess, I got my computer back and all fixed up, so yay for that. In case you were wondering, I'm still installing things and trying to get it up off the ground and back to the way it was. I have iTunes and Limewire back, and MSN and AIM, but I no longer have things like Microsoft word, so I'll have to settle for Open Office, I guess.
Unfortunately, all progress is being hindered by the fact I'm sicker than sick again. It seems I'm in the middle of a very bad flare, and well, that makes how I'm feeling and how long I can do the things I love very hard to judge, so I probably will take a while to post again. But I just wanted to say I'm still alive, and I should be returning to everyday life soonish.
Oh, and Jez? Sorry for the delay...Scent should be coming back to you in two days tops. And then I'll start on V&V 21. The other 20 chapters might take a while to get back to you, though.
I feel really bad about the lack of Faithless updates, as well. But I lost a ton of chapters I was going to post up, and I can't seem to get them right, and inspiration is in short supply right now, what with me feeling like I do.
I'm sorry for letting everyone down. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| I've already said I wanted Guitar Hero and the Guitar, Wyvernhail by Amelia Atwater-Rhodes, a Nintendo DS, Kingdom Hearts Chain Of Memories, and Finding Nemo on DVD.
I could also go for some new blank CDs to burn, a CD wallet, a new walkman, (batteries are always appreciated.) Pokemon Diamond, The Sweet Far Thing by Libba Bray, The Rocky Horror Picture show DVD, and I'll let you know as I think of it. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| I am not Aphrodite, despite what Quizilla may say. -twitch- As much as I loved her on Xena, I can't do the bubbly air-headed thing. Makes me want to puke after about three seconds of exposure. And then another quiz said I had girly traits. Well, I should hope so, considering I am a girl. Sheesh. Are you getting a picture as to how bored I am?
Okay, I'm being mean. I did find one quiz I really loved. And as usual, I'll post my results here and link you guys to take and enjoy.
Your style is all about being creative in every way possible. You love to create new things, people, places, and even words! Your all about using your imagination to make a picture. You write thinking about the story as a painting, something that someone will see. You want to make it beautiful in every way and you want people to appreciate it. Don't be afraid to try new things, no matter how odd they seem. Something that has never been done, or is done with a new twist, no matter how out of the ordinary, could turn into something wonderful and exciting. Don't get down when it seems like you are running out of options. Write whatever comes to your mind. The possibilities are endless! Let your imagination soar and take you away with it!
Possible writing styles include: Science-Fiction, Adventure, Fantasy, Paranormal.
Your writing quote: The impossible is possible.
Tips: Decide on what new thing you will include in each chapter before you write it, and make a summary of it.
To find your writing style, click here.
Right, so I hope you guys have fun taking that quiz. Me? I'm going to play the Sims. Bet you never would have guessed that, right? | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| So, I was going to update today. All day. And then I decided to play the Sims, which turned out to be pretty fun, in the long run.I'm not even sure why I'm updating now, because truth be told, I don't really have anything to say. I'm sick, my joints are killing me, (typing hurts, and holding the mouse, youch!) and I'm bored out of my fucking mind. But yeah, I'm just posting to say I'm alive pretty much.
Christ, but this is a pathetic post. Glad it's over. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| So I got home Thursday, and I swore I was going to post. Unfortunately, much like everything else I swear I'm going to do, I procrastinated. There was wash to be done, bags to be unpacked, and a dog to be watched because my parents were going out. Like they have every other night this week. I'm sort of pissed at that. My parents went out again tonight when Daddy promised he'd take me instead. But, whatever. S'not like I was expecting anything different, really.
So why didn't I update Friday? Well, originally, Nami was supposed to come over here. But I talked to her awhile after I got home and we went over her house instead. We spent the day swimming, (I somehow managed to get a slight sunburn.) talking, (Gods, I forgot how fun chatting about anything and everything that came to mind really is.) and fooling around. It was a blast to make plans to hang out, reminisce about the past couple of years and catch up to what's going on in the world, and of course, to talk about boys. I haven't relaxed like that in forever. I really missed her. She's so bubbly it makes me smile for the rest of the day. It's hard to find time to spend together, though, because she works so much. We've made tenative plans to go to Mardi Gras together when we're older, and to hopefully go to the mall next Friday. Speaking of trips, she's really excited to be visiting Niagara Falls the weekend after next. She's about as happy to be getting out of Jersey as I will be in November when we leave for the Caribbean. I really wish she could have come with us, though. She would have loved it. But I think she's going to the Dominican Republic that week to spend time with her family.
Anyway, so after I spent the day with Nami, I came home to join my Wonderland RP. We now have an Alice and a Queen Of Hearts. It should be pretty fun. We were all fooling around and razzing each other. The only people who weren't there were Winnie and Jyoti. I forget sometimes how good a day can be, and how much fun can be found in my life. Why? Because it's days like today, where I wake up with a migraine and feel as though I'm going to puke or pass out or up and die that makes me forget. Days like today where all I want to do is sleep, and can't seem to make myself move that obliterate my happiness. It's fucking hard to be optimistic when your joints refuse to obey you and your muscles scream at the slightest movement. But it's my life, and for better or worse, I'm living it. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| So, I'm not at home right now. I'm writing this with my cousins reading every word I type over my shoulder. To be fair, I suppose it is their laptop, but by the Gods, it is annyoying as hell. I keep losing my train of thought because I'm distracted by their eyes on me. (They apparently find this amusing, as they're currently snickering.)
I've been having fun down here. I forgot how much fun it is to be down the shore, especially with Nick and Pete. We've been spending a lot of time on the bay swimming and just hanging out on the boat. I absolutely love it here. It's a shame I have to go home tomorrow night. But then I get to see Nami! So that's buckets of yays. I haven't heard from Zuzu in a while. Then again, I hardly ever hear from her, especially now that she's working, so it's like whatever. I'm not particularly worried.
In other news, my Alice in Wonderland RP is also taking off well. I hope I get to fully enjoy both. Anyway, I think I'm going to go jump off the pier that's connected to the deck and fool around in the water for a bit. It's hot out here.
God, I can't wait to see Nami, though. I really missed her. Unfortunately, I'm going to have to do wash and straighten up my room before I can see her, (I'm rather messy when I pack to go away, you see.) but it's well worth it. Signing off now, because my cousins want to show their friend something. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| So I recently started a Harry Potter Roleplay set in the Prisoner of Azkaban time line, and I've since gotten a truck-load of people. It's always a ton of fun when we all get together. So far we have way too many Gryffindors (I play one, so I can't complain, but I also play a Slytherin, so, meh..) First, fifth, and sixth seem to be the most popular years so far. It's a custom-character only RP, with a rather diverse cast of ages. I've seen a ton of RPs where the youngest people are fifth years, and there's only about two of them. They're always ruined by pairing off. But not my RP, oh no!
Amongst the people who joined are Emmet, Ginisie, Zuzu, Sammi, and Ace ~ <3
We also have someone who wants to try out tomorrow, and someone who's trying to get used to our posting style before trying-out. As well as two possible people who need to get a hold of me. They know who they are. Yes, Rids, and yes, Yuffie, I am talking about you.
To see the RP overview, click here.
It's constantly changing, so check back often. To anyone interested, (And I highly doubt there will be anyone, because no one reads this thing...) feel free to comment me to get more details.
Oh, and if you'd like to read the story where this entry title came from, click here. It's called Dear Order, and it's by SilverWolf7007. It's a parody of sorts detailing Harry's promised letters to the Order. Though the entire thing usually has me in stitches, I find my favorite part counting how many different insulting names she can come up with to parody "The Order Of The Phoenix." She hasn't repeated any yet. So go on and give it a read. It's a riot!
P.S. Cheers to anyone who's enough of a geek to get my location! | | comments: Leave a comment |
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Catty Rose
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